by Malaika Cohen
There still seems to be a belief that domestic violence is somehow a personal matter. It isn't. Domestic violence is a crime. Yet it is the most chronically underreported crime. Each year, an estimated 1 million women and 1.4 million children are assaulted by members of their own families in America. There is no longer any doubt that domestic violence has taken a great toll on the women and children.
Domestic Violence is everyone's issue; everyone can help bring domestic violence to an end, by simply talking about it openly with friends and co workers. Breaking the silence is one step closer to help bring this crime to a stop, full stop.
“If it’s that bad, why stay?”
I'd like to be able to say that the above statement is exceptional but it is very common, made by others who have little or no empathy for others. It is never easy just to leave.Victims often stay in abusive relationships through fear, habit or low self esteem. A modern day taboo, this silent crime stalks victims the world over, making no allowances for race, creed, gender, age or wealth. The effects are as far reaching as ripples caused on the water by a stone breaking the surface.
Domestic Abuse is most certainly about power; power over other peoples' life's and it is seldom one isolated incident. Domestic Abuse causes such total breakdown of self-esteem that the victim will almost always believe they are at fault and will undoubtedly believe they cannot escape from their situation.
The shame and disgrace they feel often prevents them from crying out for help.
Domestic Abuse is not just about physical violence, though that is often the most visible and life-threatening manifestation. Domestic Abuse covers a wide range of perpetrations:
- Physical Abuse (Domestic Violence)
- Verbal Abuse and or non-verbal Abuse (psychological abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse)
- Sexual Abuse
- Stalking (this includes cyber stalking with modern technology these days)
- Economic Abuse and or Financial Abuse
One vital fact is not only women are victims of Domestic Abuse; men and children too are affected by this modern day taboo.
- 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime
- On average 3 women are murdered daily by their partners
- Up to 10 suicides every week are attributed to domestic violence
- It is the most common cause of morbidity worldwide in a woman aged between 19 and 44 - a casualty rate greater than war, cancer or motor vehicle accidents
- 1 in 9 men will experience domestic violence
- Up to 275 million children witness domestic abuse annually
"The most important thing that a father can do for his children is to love their mother." --Theodore M. Hesburgh
Abuse cast a shadow the length of a lifetime over Children. Children suffer in silence; they have no say in our daily choices we make.
For many years my children had no say in the daily choices I made consequently, my children witnessed things they should not be exposed to. It is only now that I realize my children never had a say in the daily choices I made, they were silent victims with no voice.
Children exposed to domestic violence suffer increased depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, anger, alcohol and drug abuse and lower academic achievement. Studies have shown that children exposed to violence, either as victims or witnesses, are more likely to become juvenile and adult offenders.
I believe it is time we drag this inhumane practice out of the cupboard, shatter the secrecy, tackle all the taboos associated with the subject and raise awareness about this frightening crime.
I believe it is time we help victims understand how they can break the shackles and actually walk in freedom and new life. No one should live their life in fear of another person.
"I am a survivor of domestic abuse. I am sharing the intimate details of my life to raise awareness of this terrible crime and prove there is life after abuse - and it can be a life of safety, hope and happiness."
Despite the traumatic life I have experienced at the hands of an abusive and alcoholic father and husband and a subsequent long-term abusive relationship.
I proudly refer myself as a SURVIVOR of domestic abuse, not a victim.
My credibility will speak to victims of domestic abuse because I already walked a mile in their shoes. I have proved it is possible to walk in freedom both physically and emotionally and a large part of that release has been the ability to forgive those who abused me.
SHACKLES is not intended as an instruction manual or self-help book. It is not meant to be a quick - fix answer to an issue that has permeated every level of society the world over for generations. It is my frank account of what it is like to live in abusive situations for 34 years, and finally escape.
One of many reasons why I share my detailed and intimate story is; so that others may read my story understand the mental state of someone suffering from Domestic Abuse and hopefully be motivated to break the cycle of fear this crime has over too many lives.
I hope my story will inspire victims, relatives, friends and co workers to do what I have done and point victims in the right direction. Support them every step of the way in their fears and indecisions.
I also know from my personal experience that it is never easy to leave. That vital decision is yours personally to make but do not leave it too long. It’ll never get better, you only can change yourself and never be able to change the behavior of your abuser.
"Where you end up isn't the most important thing. It's the road you take to get there. The road you take is what you'll look back on and call your life."- Tim Wiley
It's never easy to get out but the choice is yours - make a decision and reclaim your life. None else but you can make this vital choice.
Not too long ago, when I was captured in such abusive relationship, I had always looked for a way out of my situation but was too afraid of the consequences. I searched for answers and advice on how I be able to fix our relationship when I wasn't truly sure if that what I lived with was really called abuse.
I was in denial and feared his wrath and most of all been made felt as if the circumstances were entirely my fault.
I found myself in despair with all the confusions in my life, taking constant blame and excusing my partner's behavior and mood swings trying to please him more and more.
I knew the truth deep down but was incapable of putting my deepest inner thoughts into action out of fear.
Fear of the consequences such as: what will happen if I choose to stand up for myself? Where will I go and how would I survive? Am I capable of living without my partner? Am I comfortable with my own company? All this time I was already surviving storm after storm with the next one lingering right around the corner?
All I did was holding back the inevitable decision to leave the impossible relationship behind and try to make it on my own.
We all have free will and choice, we choose who and what we want to be. It is our choice to choose and our choice to lay down the path that we walk. This action is never perfect or easy and whatever decisions that we are faced with will have consequences but are far less harmful then staying in an abusive relationship.
This is all about retraining our old way of thinking and acting as others may expect us to do. We are not born to please others OR our abusers; we all are children of God; we are born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us.
Whether you are a victim, friend, a relative or co worker; I ask you to open your eyes and your hearts to the suffering around you and your children, show compassion to the victim and no longer ignore this modern day taboo.
If you are a victim make that vital decision reclaim your life and walk into freedom of a new life.
Vital help is out there.
NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE
If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands.
Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.
Paperback, 280 pages: Page Size: 216 x 140 mm: ISBN: 978-0-9551816-1-0
Order your free Child Safety Kit, learn how to discuss bullying with your child and how to help prevent child abductions.
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